We lost her.
I never thought I would ever start a blog.
I definitely did not think I would write another entry to the blog in the waiting room of the clinic where they are doing the surgery.
“She’s too big, you’ll have to get a medical abortion to have her taken out.”
Our big girl.
You didn’t deserve this, you would have been such a great kid. Beautiful like your mama, strong like your daddy and smart and caring like your other sisters.
We all love you so much and we’ll never forget you baby girl.
She’s gone.
This time last week, I was pregnant.
Now, I’m not.
I do remember the procedure and I remember that it hurt just the same amount as giving birth.
It’s so crazy how the body changes to adjust to no longer being pregnant. I don’t even remember leaving, I just woke up in my bed four hours later. It took a few days to recover but my body recovered a lot faster than my mind and heart did.
This will always hurt.
Our poor baby. You didn’t deserve that.
At 3 weeks, I knew you were there.
At 4 weeks, they told me you weren’t.
At 5 weeks, I spent that week testing because I knew they were wrong.
At 6 weeks, they realized they were wrong.
At 7 weeks, they found a spot next to you, and they were worried.
At 8 weeks, they said your heartrate wasn’t compatible with a good success rate.
At 9 weeks, you were getting stronger.
At 10 weeks, they were satisfied.
At 11 weeks, they changed their mind, they were worried. And we were scared. And we cried hard and prayed harder.
At 12 weeks, we found out you were a girl, and that your condition may not be as bad as we thought.
At 13 weeks, hell, we’re still waiting…
At 14 weeks, it’s bad all of the specialists said, very bad.
I don’t remember week 15.
At 16 weeks, you were gone.
At 17 weeks, my body is adjusting to you being gone.
At 18 weeks+, we’ll still be thinking about you.
I need a cigarette, and I don't even smoke.
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